IC Contact Post

[pale_blue_arrow]

This is Brendan Frye. If it's urgent, you might have a better chance o' tracking me down on foot. If I'm not answering, chances are I've gotten in over my head with something, not that I'm refusin' to give you the time of day. So leave me some words and I'll get back to you as soon as I don't have a fire to put out.

Comments

[h2no]

okay point

didn't you even say yourself that you knew it was weird?
well still good
maybe something a little more intense than the therapy you get right now will help

[pale_blue_arrow]

weird, not debilitating. or as traumatic as they seem to think it is? i don't know, i'm not sure how to describe it. they act like it wasn't all my fault and i didn't make profoundly bad decisions.

are you saying i should agree to the inpatient thing? you think it might help?

[h2no]

its probably a nature and nurture thing
i don't know
i'll let the actual psychologists figure that out

i think it would help, but the decision is ultimately yours. i don't know your brain inside and out like you do, so if you disagree then that's fair.

[pale_blue_arrow]

it's not ultimately mine, though. that's what gets to me. if they can lock me up without my saying it's alright, then why bother to say yes or talk about shit when clearly, what i want doesn't matter to then and it's all a pretense?

[h2no]

i just looked it up quickly, can't they only do that if you're a danger to yourself or others?
i mean
brendan let's be honest here
you really weren't doing good when manabu was ported out

CW for mention of self injury

[pale_blue_arrow]

with how much i drink i apparently qualify. also there. may have been a couple of self-inflicted injuries on me when they admitted me to the hospital.

tell me you wouldn't be crushed if maxie and matt got ported out

[h2no]

of course i would. i'm not saying that you being upset was wrong or anything but you kind of just proved it with the drinking and admitting the self harm

i like to think i'd at least be able to avoid attempting to drink myself to death or hurting myself

[pale_blue_arrow]

like you wouldn't hit the bottle if they left? at all? archie, i love you, but that's just disingenuous.

and what do you call throwing yourself into dangerous situations and working yourself beyond all reason if not hurting yourself? you could have your injuries come back suddenly like mine, not be able to use your healing powers and keel over dead and yet here you are instead of a hospital.

we're not as different as you wanna believe.

[h2no]

i don't KNOW. i do have people i would go to, and that i DO go to when i know i'm starting to spiral

[this truthbomb isn't as fun....]

i hope you realise i don't think i'm above you or anything
i think we just have different problems for different reasons
yours aren't really entirely your fault
mine are

[pale_blue_arrow]

i think you're using the fact you blame yourself to justify not getting help. i think you classify us differently in your head so you can rationalize acting like a dad to me and running yourself into the ground.

i think you're full of shit because being full of shit is easier than being honest and your truths are too big to take so bullshitting is going to fail catastrophically. maybe not right away but eventually.

and then you'll be the one in lockup.

unless you turn yourself around, right now. get help. stop playing this internal blame game and just be real about the nightmares going on under all the cute animal pics and jokes.

[h2no]

[okay there's a lot to unpack there, not even starting with how archie agrees with this low low evaluation of his mental health.]

do you want me to stop?
the first thing.

[pale_blue_arrow]

i want you to stop doing things that allow you to hurt needlessly, yes. in all the forms that takes.

did you ever consider that maybe as much as you hate seeing me like this, i hate seeing you like this too?

[h2no]

no
i thought i was better at hiding it
sorry

[pale_blue_arrow]

why did you think you had to hide it?

i love you. matt loves you. maxie loves you. red and blue love you. other people love you, too. and real love doesn't walk away when all the ugliness we have inside of us comes tumbling out into the light. real love doubles down.

you didn't leave me when you found out all the ways i'm fucked in the head. did you really think i'd ditch you? that i wouldn't want you to get help just like you wanted me to?

[h2no]

i think
i just can't
see myself as a person any more. not after what i did.

[pale_blue_arrow]

then don't do it for yourself. get help for everybody who loves you if you can't do it for you.

because you're a person to me. to your boyfriend. to others.

and we want you to be okay.

[h2no]

i'm trying
for matt and maxie mostly but
it's slow going
believe me a couple months ago i wouldn't even consider having a therapist's number

[pale_blue_arrow]

i'm not saying you haven't made progress. but the same could be said of me and you still want me to keep trying, right? it's like that. you've got so much potential you're not seeing. it'll suck but it'll get better, i promise.

a couple months ago i would've told you there were no problems vodka and russian literature couldn't solve. but we're all pushing forward. and if i can get better so can you.

i believe in you arch.

[h2no]

that means a lot
sorry i'm not good at putting it into words

[pale_blue_arrow]

it's fine. just because i use a lot of words doesn't mean i'm good at articulating this shit either.

[h2no]

there is a pile up in my brain
when i try

keep me updated with what's going on

[pale_blue_arrow]

the words you're looking for in this case are 'i love you' and for the record i love you too.

i will.