IC Contact Post

[pale_blue_arrow]

This is Brendan Frye. If it's urgent, you might have a better chance o' tracking me down on foot. If I'm not answering, chances are I've gotten in over my head with something, not that I'm refusin' to give you the time of day. So leave me some words and I'll get back to you as soon as I don't have a fire to put out.

Comments

[pale_blue_arrow]

i don't know. i'm worried that whatever they've got me on trying to patch me up is making me more honest and honesty doesn't usually work out for me. but i don't have a choice if they decide to do it.

you can't keep putting other people before yourself forever, archie. eventually you need to bite this bullet. we've all got to face our bullshit sometime.

[h2no]

if it's something that's pressing on your mind it probably would've come out one way or another
maybe it's better in this situation than if you got super drunk or something
well anyway if they start doing shit you're uncomfortable with let me know i'll try and do something. pretend to be your guardian or something.

[not much different from what he's already doing, tbh.]

i know
i'll talk to angie again when we meet up for this heal squad thing. she's a highly decorated doctor - if she says i gotta drop everything and fuck off to A&E then i will, but if i can put it off for a couple days then i will. not because i want to.
believe me, any other time and i'd be right there regardless.

[pale_blue_arrow]

i don't want to be honest with people i don't know. not like this. it's too soon. i'm going to say something stupid and then they'll lock me up in the pysch ward and you'll hate me.

i just want you to be okay. i'm tired of outliving people. and i'm tired of seeing people find new ways to slowly bury themselves alive.

[h2no]

i won't let anyone lock you up anywhere. i'll break you out on crobat toucannon's nest style with crobat if i gotta

don't worry. i know i don't act like it sometimes but i have plenty of reasons to want to live.



...and plenty of people who'd kick the shit outta me for being an ungrateful dumbass.

[pale_blue_arrow]

you're not my legal guardian, you don't get to make that call.

i'd ask if i made the cut as one of the reasons but i'm not sure i could take the answer right now.

but i'm definitely on the list of people who'll kick your ass, just. give me a while to recoup so i can do it. or i could just send you pictures of scarlet looking sad i guess

[h2no]

ughhh that's right everyone needs a guardian here don't they

you don't need to worry. i'm working with angela at the moment so i can ask her when she gets back. how's that?

(she's someone who would kick my ass if i waited too long)

[pale_blue_arrow]

yeah. you really need to try and remember how this world works since you're living here, you know.

good. since i can't kick your ass my backup plan was going to be flirting with you really hard until you got creeped out enough to promise to go to doctor at the first sign of trouble from now on.

[h2no]

i mean even if i was your legal guardian i'm sure busting down a wall and carrying you away on crobat would still be illegal

brendan if you start that shit again i'm blocking you

[pale_blue_arrow]

but then it'd make you a badass father figure as opposed to a creepy kidnapper when the papers reported it.

yeah that's apparently not normal? and the doctors want me to talk to a specialist psychologist about it as an in-patient because with this + my answers to their paperwork thing asking about my drinking, sex life, etc. they're concerned

and i lied A LOT to make myself look better on that thing. imagine if i'd been honest.

[h2no]

okay point

didn't you even say yourself that you knew it was weird?
well still good
maybe something a little more intense than the therapy you get right now will help

[pale_blue_arrow]

weird, not debilitating. or as traumatic as they seem to think it is? i don't know, i'm not sure how to describe it. they act like it wasn't all my fault and i didn't make profoundly bad decisions.

are you saying i should agree to the inpatient thing? you think it might help?

[h2no]

its probably a nature and nurture thing
i don't know
i'll let the actual psychologists figure that out

i think it would help, but the decision is ultimately yours. i don't know your brain inside and out like you do, so if you disagree then that's fair.

[pale_blue_arrow]

it's not ultimately mine, though. that's what gets to me. if they can lock me up without my saying it's alright, then why bother to say yes or talk about shit when clearly, what i want doesn't matter to then and it's all a pretense?

[h2no]

i just looked it up quickly, can't they only do that if you're a danger to yourself or others?
i mean
brendan let's be honest here
you really weren't doing good when manabu was ported out

CW for mention of self injury

[pale_blue_arrow]

with how much i drink i apparently qualify. also there. may have been a couple of self-inflicted injuries on me when they admitted me to the hospital.

tell me you wouldn't be crushed if maxie and matt got ported out

[h2no]

of course i would. i'm not saying that you being upset was wrong or anything but you kind of just proved it with the drinking and admitting the self harm

i like to think i'd at least be able to avoid attempting to drink myself to death or hurting myself

[pale_blue_arrow]

like you wouldn't hit the bottle if they left? at all? archie, i love you, but that's just disingenuous.

and what do you call throwing yourself into dangerous situations and working yourself beyond all reason if not hurting yourself? you could have your injuries come back suddenly like mine, not be able to use your healing powers and keel over dead and yet here you are instead of a hospital.

we're not as different as you wanna believe.

[h2no]

i don't KNOW. i do have people i would go to, and that i DO go to when i know i'm starting to spiral

[this truthbomb isn't as fun....]

i hope you realise i don't think i'm above you or anything
i think we just have different problems for different reasons
yours aren't really entirely your fault
mine are

[pale_blue_arrow]

i think you're using the fact you blame yourself to justify not getting help. i think you classify us differently in your head so you can rationalize acting like a dad to me and running yourself into the ground.

i think you're full of shit because being full of shit is easier than being honest and your truths are too big to take so bullshitting is going to fail catastrophically. maybe not right away but eventually.

and then you'll be the one in lockup.

unless you turn yourself around, right now. get help. stop playing this internal blame game and just be real about the nightmares going on under all the cute animal pics and jokes.

[h2no]

[okay there's a lot to unpack there, not even starting with how archie agrees with this low low evaluation of his mental health.]

do you want me to stop?
the first thing.

[pale_blue_arrow]

i want you to stop doing things that allow you to hurt needlessly, yes. in all the forms that takes.

did you ever consider that maybe as much as you hate seeing me like this, i hate seeing you like this too?

[h2no]

no
i thought i was better at hiding it
sorry

[pale_blue_arrow]

why did you think you had to hide it?

i love you. matt loves you. maxie loves you. red and blue love you. other people love you, too. and real love doesn't walk away when all the ugliness we have inside of us comes tumbling out into the light. real love doubles down.

you didn't leave me when you found out all the ways i'm fucked in the head. did you really think i'd ditch you? that i wouldn't want you to get help just like you wanted me to?

[h2no]

i think
i just can't
see myself as a person any more. not after what i did.

[pale_blue_arrow]

then don't do it for yourself. get help for everybody who loves you if you can't do it for you.

because you're a person to me. to your boyfriend. to others.

and we want you to be okay.