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valid. but never watch it again. i don't want to see you get obsessed over this.

that's it? so long as everyone involved knows about it, dating two people isn't a bad thing. hell, marrying them wouldn't be bad so long as you're all on the same page.

that can't be it. there's gotta be an ACTUAL reason they don't like who you've hooked up with.

Once was enough. I don't plan to.

It isn't that that they don't like them. It's that I am distracted when I can't afford to be, and made some important choices without them, and chose poorly, and it's easy for them to twist it so that Yuri and Otabek are just another careless, stupid thing.

Because I, supposedly, am completely out of control.

Maybe I am.

He won't explain what he meant, he won't talk to me at all.

okay, i admit, you could have compromised judgment because you're in love. but that was going to happen no matter who you fell for, yusuke, that's part of being a person. it's no one's fault.

i don't know enough details of what happened to say why you're getting the silent treatment but. if YOU feel like you're out of control, get a therapist, but don't let someone else dictate that kind of thing to you. you sit down and think about if you feel in control of your life or not and make that choice and work it out. without the people who won't support you, if you have to.

i am the master of clinging to toxic friendships back home so let me be the first to tell you that sometimes, the correct response to someone walking away is to let them do it instead of chasing after them. give him time to process and give yourself some time to figure your own shit out.

whatever happens, for whatever my opinion's worth after all i've done, i don't think you being in love with two guys is a bad thing. it may be tricky to get the relationship to work, but 1. they always are and 2. it's worth it.

My judgement was compromised from the moment I got here. It wasn't because of them. Maybe falling in love with Yuri complicated things further, but I will not apologize for it.

Otabek is newer. It's too early to say love, but it could be, in time. I feel excited, and vulnerable at the same time. I am serious about him, even if it isn't as deep yet. They're keeping me from spiralling.

But I am out of control. He's right. He was cruel about it, but he was right. A couple days before my clone attacked you, something happened, and I thought I was over it because I can leave the house and go to work and plan elaborate dates but I'm not.

It's

It's a lot to unload on you. I'm sorry.

what happened? i was too selfish to ask at the time but yeah, you sounded like a wreck. yusuke, if you need me to recc you a therapist i will go combing through the people i know for the best one for you. pretty sure futaba could help you out there, too.

i doubt you being in love and being in the falling-in-love stage of proceedings with yuri and otabek are the cause of whatever's wrong, but they'll be affected by it. you owe it to them to figure yourself out. and more than that, you owe it to yourself. you deserve to be okay. everyone does, and if people here can help unfuck up a fuck up like me, you should be able to find help, too.

vent away. i wanna help if i can. even if it's just hearing you out and encouraging you from afar. i never stopped caring about you, you know. i doubt i could. you really are a good guy, under the le artiste shtick.

I don't know what you mean by shtick, but I care about you too.

I

Hurt someone. Not my clone or my Persona, it was all me. And I hurt him very badly. I didn't know what I was doing, I let it get out of hand and he nearly died. I could make a lot of excuses. I had to, to protect other people. My hand was forced. I couldn't ask for help because I NEVER can and I thought i was being watched and didn't want them to be next in the torture line. Or he asked me to be as brutal and evil as possible so I did.

It doesn't matter what reasons I had because I did it, and that's that. The person I hurt says it's fine, but it isn't fine. I can't recognize myself sometimes. I can't sleep without spending hours drawing out a power to force me to sleep, or without Yuri there. I can't look at this man without feeling his blood pulse through my fingers.

There is nothing fine about it. But you are right, I need to be fine, for them, and for myself, and for my friends from home. One more just got here, and she was not happy about any of this.

So I'm pretending, but I'm a bad liar, they all know it, and I keep slipping up. That's why my best friend in any world won't talk to me, the personal jabs were just to twist the knife.

i'm not gonna lie. you fucked up. but it doesn't sound like you were in control. it sounds like you're mentally ill - and i am too so please don't take that as another knife or a shot being fired, it isn't. i don't think you should blame yourself for something you did while ill and untreated, especially since you've been under a lot of pressure ever since you got here.

i think you need help. i will comb through the therapists i know to find you it if you need it. i'll pull my limited resources here. i'll even go with you and sit in the waiting room for the first session. but you can't go on like this without getting some help, yusuke. one, you risk doing this again if you don't, and two, you risk hurting yourself if you don't.

i don't know what's wrong or how to fix it. but i can get you to people who can figure both those things out. and if money's an issue i'll help pay. you're gonna be okay, yusuke. i promise, this shit can get better.

It isn't an illness. I didn't want to do it, not at any point. I was told.

I could have run, but that would have only made things worse. If I didn't do it, someone else would have, and they would not have bothered to make sure he survived after the fact.

I fell in line because it was the only option I could see.

someone's blackmailing you.

and you're not coming clean with anyone. so i'm guessing it'd have to be someone with a lot of power, to put you in that kind of a fix. you said they. so it's a group blackmailing you for their own purposes.

constellation.

[ ...thank you, Brendan, for not making him say it. ]

Yes.

But it wasn't blackmail.

I am a member. Me, and the person I hurt, we've infiltrated, to topple them from inside. He was caught talking about it with people, and since he recruited me, I was made to force him to talk. We put on a show to get the names out of him, or I get tied up and stabbed repeatedly right next to him.

Edited 2017-08-13 17:59 (UTC)

dear sweet santa margarita y las flores, you're in deep.

i'm gonna get you out. somehow. i don't know how. but this is probably going to get worse before it gets better. have you told either of your boyfriends about this shit? you should. i speak as a guy whose girlfriend was killed whilst in a gang i didn't know she was is, you SHOULD. if nothing else it gives the gang in question less incentive to murder/torture you because they don't want to raise any red flags with anyone.

if i thought i could make it work for you i'd say recruit me but it's too late now if they're halfway onto you. shit.

They know. My friends from home all know. Yuri's family even knows. It was someone from my own world that roped me into doing this with him at all.

Which is my fault.

I am in contact with the leader. Frequently. He isn't onto me. My violent outburst was very convincing. I play nice with his wild animal of a general, for combat training. I stockpile cards, spread his exaggerated propaganda, and help organize his Swear-Out protest.

If I was under suspicion I'd have been attacked by now, as careless as I've been.

THAT is not your fault. i love slinging shit and talking shit as much as the next guy so you know i'd tell you if i thought this was your fuck up, but this really isn't.

was that last network post yours? it seemed pretty rank-and-file but it was more stylized than the old ones. more human while still professional. if you're at the level of trust where they're letting you do that plus talk to the leader... well, if it were me and no one gave a shit i'd strap a bomb to myself and give the leader a big hug but you have people who give a shit, we're not going that route. besides, it might just pour gasoline onto the fire instead of snuffing it out.

any possible way to create distrust among the people within the org? that's what i did on my last op. destabilized the group from within by planting doubts in the head honcho's head about his second in command, kept the third in command on my side and convinced i didn't have it out for anyone. waited for that power-complex to turn people on each other.

it worked. it also got me killed, possibly. i was Ported in before my heart stopped beating. but it worked.

...thank you, but I can't keep blaming him for it. I joined of my own free will.

It was me. I volunteered. He was happy with it, we see each other somewhat regularly. Even disregarding collateral damage and my own life, killing him won't do anything, the nanites will bring him back. He needs to confess.

But there is plenty of dissent, already. Infighting. There is plenty I don't know about, I'm sure, everyone operates under codenames and I only know a handful of real identities. But what I did ended up being controversial.

You are not getting yourself killed over this. Whether you are brought back or not, I won't have it.

you need therapy when all this is over.

any way to record a confession? i got one off of your clone but i'm guessing security with the starry psuedo-socialists is a bit tighter. still, any audio you could scrape off of anyone could come in handy later. worth considering. we need every bit of ammo you can rummage up.

get a codename you're not supposed to know, covertly. leak it. attach a statement to it. that oughta put some blood in the water to show us which of these sharks is the most aggressive. it's not much, but it's a safe enough start. try and suss out who's sympathetic to you and who thinks you shoulda done what you did. keep lists in your head. or run it by futaba, she could do this shit half-conscious.

if you need a disposable victim/anti-constellation guy to haul in/meat shield i did kind of fuck you over with the clone thing. i have it coming and i'm more than willing. you need something done that doesn't have even a faint connection to you, somebody with a history of mental illness who only made out with you once is a good scapegoat. don't throw that option out just yet, dollface. we may need it.

Typically, we force confessions. But that would take too long. As far as recording one...maybe. He speaks just vaguely enough so that he isn't incriminated, everywhere but the team's own network. I am not willing to torture anyone else just to get a private audience with him.

I could leak Dooku's name right now, but the Constellation hasn't actually been caught doing anything wrong. Suspicious, sure, but not illegal. What good would that do?

I said no. I can stay as long as I have to if it means nobody gets hurt.

...how well do you know Futaba? You are not wrong.

we'll work on it. what're the chances he'd sweep for electronic bugs? or other recording devices in general?

throw someone else under the bus. why? because it'll shake people inside the organization who thought their net was so secure and so perfect and so infallible. because it'll make the other imPorts who've shrugged this off as no big deal go 'why is this such a big deal it required an anonymous leak' and the more people go 'no reason! nothing to hide here!' the more it'll look bad. because it'll get things off balance so you can establish yourself as looking into it and being concerned and keep dooku off any trace of what you're actually planning. it's the sacrificial lamb strategy.

i know futaba from one very intriguing conversation and she is smart as a whip. i trust her to run the numbers and remember the names and she's got your stamp of approval for contact, so she's trustworthy. i'm very glad she's on our side and not against us because they would never find the bodies if she went evil.

I never have been. But it's possible, if they suspect. They caught Adachi by putting a bug on his ear. A tiny piece of flesh, or....something.

Every name I know, he knows that I know. And it isn't many. I know most of them only by their codenames. We would need to gather more.

She is amazing. We can all agree on that. I would be dead a dozen times over if not for her.

Edited 2017-08-13 21:55 (UTC)

when they go high tech, we go low. old fashioned tape recorders, the bulky kind, are made of enough plastic they don't ping most metal detectors. something to think about when you've gone over this more, when we're sure if that'd be plausible or not. we need to build a mountain of evidence, and making mountains takes time.

then you and futaba need to get to work unearthing a name you don't know. otherwise this'll become a horrorshow very quickly.

She's working on it. They have people as good as what she does as she is, it's taking a while. But she will.

i'll see what i can do in the meantime. but it's honestly not going to be much. this is a big op, we're gonna spend weeks just in the planning stage, yusuke. i'm sorry. i want you outta this jam ASAP but there's no miracles in life.

but if shit goes south, tell me? not just because i'm helping you on this but because i wanna know you're okay.

I have no delusion that this will happen overnight. I am in a good position now within the organization, I can wait, as long as I get things handled outside of it.

Making amends, fixing my mistakes.

....I don't know if this counts. I just wanted to say hello.

I will keep you informed.

i managed to wreck the drug rings back home in three weeks but they'd already had a previous inside betrayal and also, i didn't have people nagging me not to die. this is trickier.

i suggest cuddling your boyfriends a lot. you need emotional support. shove two mattresses together if you have to in order to make it work. cuddles, art movie, snacks. a night of normal.

none of our conversations go the way either of us planned. it's unmazing and no, that's not a typo

you better. or else i'll ask futaba and get her to nag you. she seems nice, nice girls nag.

Did that drug ring include violent telepaths and shapeshifters? Everything is trickier here. It was much more simple for our team when we were the only ones with otherworldly powers.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to drag you into this.

Futaba is the kindest person I know. She's incredible, but persistent. Be assured that she will push me if I need it.

And I will start on the snuggling right away.

no, but that doesn't change the fact i want you out of it and want it uprooted and burned and the ground beneath it salted.

if you hadn't i'd've found my own way in, let's not kid ourselves. besides, you need the emotional support. well, more emotional support, i assume your boyfriends are also supportive. and futaba. futaba seems supportive in her own way, i just don't want to cross her.

good. go forth and snuggle them long and hard and no, that's not a sex joke. i'm sure you're going to get enough remarks about your sex life from dumbasses to last you a lifetime, though. people always have their minds in the gutter when it comes to poly relationships. apparently i'm the only one who ever mentally mapped out the kind of pillow forts that could be made with three people working on it.

that is also a suggestion. make a pillow fort with your boyfriends. it's what i'd do if i were you.

oh and tell your boyfriends that if they hurt you i know how to make hallucinatory drinks, hotwire cars and break into houses and i have demonstrably no chill so they'd better treat you like their siren prince or else. :)

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