pale_blue_arrow | IC Contact Post

It was a clone.

As I am sure you am already aware. And still, no apology.

I thought we were working towards okay, before all that.

i'm aware. my therapist said it was better if i didn't contact you. at least not until i've got my medication sorted out and i'm more stable.

i'm not sure if this is breaking the no contact rule but at least now you know.

Your therapist. That's good. Really, I am glad to hear that.

How are you feeling?

yeah. i need to get my shit together. if i can. i'm trying, anyway.

i don't know. better, but if i'd gotten help sooner maybe i wouldn't have made so many stupid decisions and hurt people since i got here. or maybe i would have anyway. i don't know how much of my shit is me and how much of it is the bipolar thing. but i think it's getting easier not to snap at people, at least? so there's that.

this completely violates my therapist's standing order not to engage with you but i missed you. i wanted to text you before. i just don't want to mess up your life again.

how're you holding up? after the whole clone thing, i mean.

You haven't messed up my life. Not at any point. Made it difficult, perhaps, but it has always been one thing after another. If not you, something else, surely.

I am fine. There is a lot going on, as always, but much better than when we last spoke. I am out and about. Even happy, in some areas.

You do not have to keep talking to me, if you don't want to. I just wanted to know if you are still afraid of me. I hope not. Even if it was not really me that attacked you, I still feel guilty. It was my own fault, I put myself in a position to be duplicated.

i'm glad you're doing better. you deserve to be happy. i wish i could be a part of that, but i think it's obvious by now that i don't really know how to be. i'm too paranoid to be a good friend, i think.

but i could still be your friend. if you want. if you're still justifiably pissed at me for how i reacted to your clone, that's okay, too. i did everything wrong possible there approaching you about that. i know i don't deserve a second chance.

also not to start arguing with you again from the get go but bull-fucking-shit you being cloned against your will was your fault. it was AGAINST YOUR WILL, ergo not your fault. you didn't choose to have the clone made or choose to have it do what it did. i'd be the first to blame you if i thought there was any blame to be thrown around here, but full blame goes to the people who made the clones, not the people they swiped DNA from.

We can begin with friends, and work up to good friends. As long as you are comfortable with that.

I was at my worst before you showed me all that, and you scared me. But you still kept my secret. You did right where it mattered.

I donated blood on purpose because there was free food. You could have died because I was hungry.

i'd like that. i'd like that a lot, yusuke.

i was blunter than even I usually am and it was uncalled for. i'm sorry. i don't have an excuse for being an asshole.

unless they outright said 'we're gonna clone you' then stop blaming yourself. you didn't know this was going to happen. and honestly, as someone who blames himself for happenings way outta my control, if I'M telling you you're stretching for this one, you are. let it go. you're not gonna get anything good out of hating yourself over the past, yusuke. nobody ever does.

So would I. It's decided, then.

You were scared, too. You had every right to be. I forgive you, Brendan.

I know. It is easier said than done. I will be going on the raid on the lab, next week. As Fox. If I can make sure it does not happen again, that would be enough.

not sure if that forgiveness if warranted but i'll try to be less of an asshole. enough so it is.

stay safe. or fuck, if it gets really bad, ping me and i'll show up as back up. you're right, this can't happen again, it was wrong and it hurt a lot of people, but if i can help, i wanna. you don't have to take everything on by yourself, emotionally or otherwise. i've tried that, it's a clusterfuck. so just. tell me if i can help? what can i do to make this better for you?

I am not by myself. I will be with two people from my own world. We have the same power. Persona. It isn't exactly the same, they can all do different things, which is good. We are diverse enough to cover whatever problem comes up.

[ Except Futaba is backup support and Adachi is still not in total control of his powers. It'll be fine. If he doesn't look on the bright side he'll drown. ]

I would feel better knowing that you are safe.

yes, but one, you can never have too much back up, and two, i have tried to kill myself twice since arriving here and neither time worked. your clone tried to kill me and it didn't work. don't rule me out as back up. if nothing else i know how to hotwire a car to steal it - and i did driver's ed in this world a little while ago, too, so i'm a competent driver.

let me help you. i wanna make sure you're safe, too. i may be a shitty friend but i do care, you know.

I am not trying to imply that you are incapable.

I will call you if I need you, okay?

If you want to help, you can investigate for me. A lot has come out, but it isn't enough.

can do, but i'll need some leads. i was out of it for most of this whole clone saga. personal problems + i didn't want to make things worse. i'm assuming you've got some intel for me on this?

Ken Kaneki's intel. Describing Heaven Scent and their connection to OTO.

The Constellation dug this up. Power worship, intent to turn us into weapons, ect.

Files dug up by one 'Alibaba'. Manipulating our powers to create biological weapons of some kind.

ugh. i don't trust constellation. anytime someone's that hard against one group's agenda, they've got their own. but the intel is solid and worrying. and there's definitely connections to be made between these things.

gonna be harder to do investigations with the whole therapy, psuedo-dad figure thing, and boyfriend-i-am-attempting-to-be-good-to stuff i've got going on, but i'll make time. that said, keeping all those balls in the air may slow this investigation down a bit, so i can't promise overnight results.

Good. You shouldn't trust them. But when you skip past the rabble-rousing, the facts check out.

Worry about yourself first. I would like tl fill in the gaps, but I have plenty to go on as is. If you are preoccupied keeping your life together, then I should probably follow your example.

A boyfriend? Is he cute?

that rabble rousing is obnoxiously transparent. but intel is intel, regardless of sources. if you vouch for it i assume you looked into it yourself at least a little?

it's more like i'm preoccupied figuring out how to do life. normal life, i mean. i never had people notice or care before what i did or if i was around or not. it's really nice, even if it's new and i don't think i'm doing it right. but i can do work and normal life. or at the very least i'll try.

yeah, he is. cute, and really kind, and willing to put up with my... everything. i actually knew him before i met you, i just assumed i was way below his league. i don't really have great self-image, according to my therapist. but even if we're still working on boundaries and stuff, it's really going well. he makes me feel more human and less unbalanced. what he sees in me, i have no idea.

Transparent how?

I have. There are some documents I could send you, but you wouldn't have gotten them from me.

I can relate to that. I don't know if my life will ever be normal, but I am trying. Results are mixed, so far. I have a lot to learn.

I'm happy for you. I think you deserve it. If he ever stops treating you well, remember that you have a friend that will put him on ice.

they're playing the 'we imPorts deserve better' card too often, making it too much about 'us' as a collective, implying that people who are imPorts are automatically their concern. never trust someone who says us and we that often, especially in a context where it's us versus them. that's always manipulative.

send me whatever you're comfortable with. if it all goes south, i know how to make it look like i sourced this all my myself. god, it's like running an op back in san clemente, except no one's dead this time around. except the clones, but i think everybody's ignoring their potential personhood.

normal is hard. normal doesn't make sense to me, not yet. i keep messing it up. you just gotta keep trying, yusuke. it gets less hard, bit by bit. i'm not sure if i'll ever be normal either, but working on it has made things a lot better, honestly.

that's a sweet threat and i appreciate the thought but we all know i'm more likely to wreck my own relationships than anyone i'm dating. let's not kid ourselves.

I agree with you. I am glad you can see through it.

[ Yusuke isn't proud of it. It isn't the worst he's done as part of this foolish and increasingly dangerous infiltration, but it's the most public. ]

Give me some time to get it all together.

Mine was a monster. It sounds cruel, but I am happy knowing that it is dead. You were not the only person it hurt.

Maybe, maybe not. Hopefully neither of you mess it up.

i was raised in a pretty paranoid town. i can see bullshit from a mile away. the question now is what i can do about this.

i know. but it doesn't sound cruel. it's a pretty human thing to be relieved someone who hurt other people can't do that anymore. don't feel guilty for having normal human reactions to stuff, yusuke. you've got enough guilt over unreasonable shit as it is.

well he's asexual but not aromantic and i've been having sex since i was eleven so i already kind of messed up. the idea of loving and being loved and not owing someone sex is taking awhile to sink in. but it's good, too. it doesn't feel as intense all the time as my old relationships did.

you get any dates while we were being silent at each other? or did the clone kill your love life?

I watched my clone get eaten on CCTV footage. It was objectively horrifying, but I found it more surreal, than traumatizing. Futaba took it harder than I did.

It's good, that it isn't so intense. If he can help you to tone it down, he should be good for you. 🍛

My love life is going surprisingly well, if unconventional. It's about the only thing I haven't ruined. But my friends from home are upset with me over it, so perhaps that is my trade-off.

Edited 2017-08-13 07:16 (UTC)

why did you watch that. why would you do that to yourself. jfc yusuke that is not healthy mentally and when the bipolar-depressive guy is telling you that, that's REALLY saying something.

being on meds and getting therapy is also helping me be less intense. although i still don't get what he sees in me or why he hangs around. i'm a bit much. he could do better. and i keep crossing boundaries with the whole touch thing because i just have different ideas of what's normal. why does anyone date me? that's more mysterious than the superpowers we all get, at this point.

wait, why aren't your friends happy? unconventional how? is this one of those things where your friends are worrying about you getting hurt, or has there been some misunderstanding...? bc i've only met futaba but she seems like she'd want you to be happy so i don't get this.

To track down the monster that ate him, and make sure it didn't kill any real people.

Who isn't a bit much? I am sure he has plenty of reasons to like you. I could name a few.

Unconventional, in my case, means that I am dating two people. The three of us are together, as a unit. We all thought about it and discussed it at length, together. It is working perfectly fine, so far, happy and consensual, with no jealousy.

Of my team from home, one thinks I am vapid and frivolous for a number of reasons, one doesn't agree with it on principle, and one is feeling rejected.

So if you want to judge me, get it out of the way now.

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