pale_blue_arrow | IC Contact Post

At risk of sounding condescending, I think I see you very clearly.

I refuse to look at other people in terms of how "useful" they are to me. I don't want to use people. I want to give them hope, feed them the inspiration they need to take back control.

I still want to be your friend, if you will let me.

my life has been out of control for so long i don't know anymore if ever was actually under control.

i can't do this anymore. and by this i mean life. i've been raped, i've lost my kid, i've held my girlfriend's body, and then i got here and i got stabbed, threatened, blackmailed, tried to kill myself and then found out we can't die here.

you're entitled to make bad decisions but i feel like i should warn you there's no point to being friends with me. i'm done. i don't have anything left to offer anyone. i don't even want to try. i haven't left my room in days and honestly everything seems to be going better.

i'm tired of making things worse for people. including you. i want you to be happy. and i'm not sure being friends with me would actually make you happy at all.

I am sorry all of that happened to you. Nothing I say can make any of that go away, but I can make tomorrow better.

As for living, you don't have a choice. As you said, we will not stay dead. Living is the only option, and if you need help doing that, get help. It doesn't have to be from me if you don't want mine. We can just be friends.

i don't think anybody can help with this. i'm too far gone. besides, what about the people with real issues who need help? i would just be taking time and resources away from them.

you're busy. i can't tell with what, but i get that vibe off of you. you don't have time for friends. and that's okay. it's good that you have a purpose and plans and people who are important to you. i think they'll make you happy. and you deserve that. i'm sorry i couldn't give that to you.

look this vodka is kicking in hard, i'm probably gonna drift off for a bit. don't take it personally if i don't answer right away, sirenito. i'd never ignore you. <3

Real issues? As if suicidal depression is a walk in the park?

I am busy making positive changes here. In whatever form that must take. If I can be there for someone I care about that would be enough.

Take care of yourself. Please?

i'll be okay. i always am.

but you don't care about me the way i care about you. and you never will. i'm not good enough and so this is just a waste of time for you. you could do something for people that matter, somewhere out there.

there's nothing left to take care of.

There are a lot of ways to care about someone. One is no better or worse than any other.

I used to do exactly what you are doing. Without the alcohol. Refuse help and insist everything was fine on the basis that I was not worth the time and energy to be concerned about.

I was lying to myself. You can do whatever you want, but don't lie.

oh, you want the truth? the truth is i love you and no one will ever be able to love me back because i'm used goods and nobody wants sloppy seconds and i know everybody can see it on me somehow whenever i talk to them

the truth is i was supposed to die back home, i didn't have a plan that would let me serve justice and get out alive so I went with doing half of that

the truth is i've had nightmares every night since i got here and drinking is the only thing that gives me a chance of not having one

the truth is you can't help me because nobody can because i'm broken and shattered and way too far gone and i want help but it just doesn't fucking exist

...truth is supposed to be freeing but none of this is anything other than depressing.

I am sorry I cannot return those feelings. It has nothing to do with you, it's a matter of poor timing. It isn't anyone's fault.

You say you want help. You say it does not exist. But you have not been here for long, have you even looked?

you returned the feeling well enough until you decided i was too trashy for your tastes. guess you must've traced a sixth sense from someone.

all the psychologists here require cash. cash i don't have. i don't have enough to pay for the booze i drink, i definitely don't have enough for some shrink who'll charge a hundred dollars a session.

You're right. I led you on, and I didn't intend to, but that doesn't matter. But it was because I was compromised by a lot of things, not just alcohol. Not because I think you're trashy. What did I do to make you feel that?

Would you see someone, if you could afford it?

if you're 'compromised' enough to talk shop and make out with somebody like me at a party, maybe you're the one who needs help. god knows you're the one who's earned it.

if this conversation is about to go to easy legally ambiguous ways to make money then no. if that's not where it was headed then yes.

just. be warned my mom was crazy as a shrink didn't fix her, he only made her marginally less take-off-for-a-few-weeks-without-warning and more leave-a-note-and-money-and-be-gone-three-days. not all broken people can get fixed, sirenito. i know it's not what you wanna hear but it's how it is.

You might be right. I have it under control, I think. Things have settled down.

I was not going to suggest anything nefarious. I have enough of that already. Only wondering if there was anything else stopping you.

I can keep my expectations reasonable. We can settle for 'functional', for now.

if i get help you need to get it too. you have issues that go beyond just being here. it's written in your eyes. and i don't know who hurt you or how to make it better but i want it to be okay.

there doesn't need to be anything else stopping me. money or more accurately is a damn good roadblock in life.

functional has a high price tag. you sure you wouldn't rather get drunk with me instead? i can steal booze, i can't steal sanity.

That party was only days after a personal catastrophe, you did not see me at my best. I have help. Plenty of it.

I am not used to having money. Some of it is probably not...reputably earned, but if I am to use it, I would prefer it to go somewhere useful.

Have you been stealing alcohol? You don't have to do that, I could give you Reggie's power for a couple of days.

so long as you're sure you're okay...

i'm not putting myself in a position where i owe anyone a favor. half because i never know what they'll ask for and half because i know that i can't deliver on it when they call that favor in, here. i'm not gonna set you up to be let down again, sirenito, i care about you enough to at least do that.

of course i have, i don't have my parents around to swipe it from and the guy i got fake ids from is back home, too. can you believe this place doesn't have skittles vodka? it's fucking tragic. but nobody guards the rubbing alcohol in heropa. morons. anyway i'm stocked up so no thanks.

what

Is that a joke?

Don't drink rubbing alcohol

If you won't accept my help at least don't go out of your way to worry me. I do care, as foolish as it may be, and so I would prefer for you to drink yourself into a stupor with something at least meant for human consumption.

What are vodka skittles?

don't overreact. i've been drinking it since i was 12. worse case scenario i throw up a little blood but this healing factor thing really makes that a non-issue. tastes like hell but it'll get you where you need to be.

seriously it's fine. i'm fine. i know my limits with alcohol. not so much with anything else but. this i have on lockdown.

skittles' vodka is candy flavored vodka. reminds me of christmas. you'd like it.

Please?

I don't even know what I like, how would you?

i am not hauling myself off this floor and crossing town for better booze when serviceable booze is right in front of me.

all guys who are into guys like it. i have seen women use this as a test and it has never not worked. by that metric that shit is your holy grail, sirenito.

Your perception of serviceable is probably different than most people.

My holy grail? What are you saying?

i have a healing factor, i can afford to lower my bar for 'safe things to ingest'.

i get a very gay vibe off of you. like, on the kinsey scale you're a four or five. i never presume sixes because they're statistic outliers but. yeah, you're a skittles vodka and art gallery bathroom make out session guy. but a high class one. like, a really nice art gallery and the skittles vodka is probably in a champagne flute.

A very gay vibe.

Forget I asked.

And I have never kissed anyone at an art gallery. Especially not in the bathroom. I would be far too busy with the art.

well, more like very gay-leaning bisexual vibe but everyone seems to view this as a binary instead of a spectrum so i just go with 'gay vibe' otherwise i run the risk of dealing with people's internalized biphobia and eventually i bring shakespeare's queer subtext into it to make a point and nobody knows what i'm talking about, which just makes me sad.

why the fuck would you not kiss someone at an art gallery?? that would be incredibly romantic. you are wasting golden opportunities. i hope whoever you're into is patient as fuck, they're gonna need it.

I am not afraid to like both. It just isn't something something I think about often. Admittedly, I have no idea what I am doing.

It would be disrespectful to the artists. Unless that were the type of passion they wish to ignite.

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