IC Contact Post

[pale_blue_arrow]

This is Brendan Frye. If it's urgent, you might have a better chance o' tracking me down on foot. If I'm not answering, chances are I've gotten in over my head with something, not that I'm refusin' to give you the time of day. So leave me some words and I'll get back to you as soon as I don't have a fire to put out.

Comments

[lempereur]

I wasn't 'angling' for anything. I've been nothing but honest with you, I have no ulterior motives. Why do you assume the worst of me?

[pale_blue_arrow]

because the last person who was that nice to me raped me and i'm still dealing with the fallout. pardon me for not getting over that trauma in three months flat.

for a guy who's as nice as you are when you're drunk you're pretty frigid when you're sober.

[lempereur]

I wouldn't expect you to.

I don't try to be frigid, either. I don't know how to talk to you. You are very intense, at all times, you never let up. Like if I don't stand a certain way you'll knock me right over.

[pale_blue_arrow]

my upbringing was very intense and tense, at all times. it didn't let up. i learned to be the same way. i'm sorry. i don't know how else to live my life except by waiting for the next person to screw me over and trying to figure out what lies people are telling because that's how things have always been and

look

i don't want to be this way. and i'm trying to do better. but it's hard to rewrite the rules of how the world works and adapt to those after years of being in fight-or-flight mode.

and if none of that makes sense i'm sorry for that, too, sirenito.

[lempereur]

I understand. Rewriting the rules is hard. If it helps, it isn't any easier the second time.

Can you at least try to believe me? You can call me tactless or cold, but I am not a liar.

[pale_blue_arrow]

i want to believe you. but that means instead of you using me, you just threw me away when a better deal came along. if i tell myself you were using me then that implies i at least have a little bit of value to someone, in some capacity.

[lempereur]

The other person was there the entire time. I knew before I met you.

I prefer 'helping', it implies a mutual agreement.

[pale_blue_arrow]

so i was what, a distraction for the night? side action? why would you not immediately shove me off if you were already taken? i'm an ass but i do understand no means no but i can't read minds, i need a verbal 'no'.

helping implies this has benefited me on any level. and it hasn't.

[lempereur]

I am not taken, not like that. Just dreaming.

I can only offer, I can't make you accept. But at this point, any lost benefit is your own fault.

[pale_blue_arrow]

and that dream is better than the actual guy throwing himself at you? can't tell if that means whoever you're after is amazing or if that means i'm even worse than i thought.

[lempereur]

He is amazing.

I shouldn't talk about this with you. It feels insensitive.

[pale_blue_arrow]

you went way over the line of insensitive long ago and it's now past the horizon.

but if he ever mistreats you i will smite him like the wrath of a pipe-bomb wielding god.

[lempereur]

I deserve that.

But he does not. None of that will be necessary.

[pale_blue_arrow]

it had better not be. you're this into him, he better treat you like you're royalty or i'll have words with him. you deserve the best, even if you have next to no ability to hold your liquor.

also if he ever hits you or some shit you can crash at my place while we call the cops. and discuss the merits of pipe bombs or framing him for something.

[lempereur]

What are you TALKING ABOUT

[pale_blue_arrow]

we need contingency plans in case this relationship goes south. i may not be your bf but i can still keep you safe, sirenito.

[lempereur]

You need to stop. none of that is happening

[pale_blue_arrow]

it could. abuse cuts across all socioeconomic boundaries. preventative measures are worth thinking about.

[lempereur]

pipe bombs are not a preventative measure!

[pale_blue_arrow]

they are if you don't detonate them. just let him know you have friends in low places. just in case.

[lempereur]

No! I am not threatening someone into loving me

I can't believe I'm acknowledging this at all

should I go into hiding?

What is your contingency plan against me?

[pale_blue_arrow]

no, it's threatening someone into not mistreating you, there's a difference.

you already fucked my heart over, there is no contingency plan against you. you won because you struck first, before i could even process that you might be able to emotionally knife me. congrats, btw. very few people get past my paranoia at all, let alone that quickly and that well.

and the really fucked up thing is i'd still be your booty call if you asked me to and i'd still make you a pipe bomb if you had a reasonable-ish use for it.

[lempereur]

Will you stop?

What are you trying to accomplish?

I admitted where I was wrong and apologized, and you use it to jab at me while refusing to do the same.

There is no victim here. Only a misunderstanding.

[pale_blue_arrow]

i think the victim is common sense.

and i'm trying to make it clear that if shit doesn't work out you could have me as a second-choice option just by snapping your hands. take that as you will.

[lempereur]

THAT would be using you, and I told you, I'm not doing that.